SHOW ME YA MOVES!
Douglas Jay Falcon is a hero of the future and thrill seeking extraordinaire. Most prominently chronicled in the video games F-Zero and Smash Bros. However his true story is never really touched on. Please read below for an in depth analysis of the savior of the 24th century.
Captain Falcon is known for having the PERFECT male physique. His muscle toned body was crafted from a life of athletics and crime fighting. Captain Falcon is frequently sighted wearing SKIN TIGHT SPANDEX. Although it may seem he is a show off, he does this to maximize the aerodynamics around his body. Captain Falcon is always concerned with maximum performance and efficiency, thus he designed his suits to maximize movement and aerodynamics. He also wears the suit to showcase HIS MASSIVE GENITALS. Captain Falcon is a favorite among the ladies, they are all smitten when Captain Falcon is around. It is in fact very common to see CF nipping, (his nipples are as hard as diamonds), this is due to his consistent sexual escapades that keep him fulfilled with a constant flow of adrenaline and endorphins. Captain Falcon is also known for playing fair, he does not use stimulants, steroids, or drugs to enhance his body. His rock hard abs are the result of a 100% natural regiment and diet. His speed is unmatched and his strength rivals that of demi gods.
It is often debated and assumed that Douglas Falcon is descended from the ancient Spartans. Born to an impoverished family, Douglas had very little advantages as a child. His father was a drunkard and his mother was a whore. One night Falcon's parents overdosed on Hydroxycut and Douglas was forced into an orphanage. The orphanage was able to put Douglas into little league sports. Falcon always had a natural talent for athletics and speed. At a young age he outmatched all the other children in his little league sports. Just about every team sport he was involved in became an unfair competition. Little league children everywhere quit playing simply because Douglas Falcon was clearly competing at a Pro level which elevating his team to landslide victories. The Little League Association of America decided to remove him from the sports as he was toppling the balance of the sporting events. Falcon learned injustice at a young age, when CORRUPT LITTLE LEAGUE OFFICIALS booted him for the sake of lost profits. Douglas was not a quitter though, he would not let a minor setback slow him down.
Falcon tried out for the NFL at the young age of 11, at the time, the pro players laughed at him and taunted him. During tryouts, Falcon easily placed 1st in all training activities. His speed was unmatched, his strength could not be contended. NFL scouts had no choice but to draft him and Douglas acquired fame at a young age for dominating the NFL until he was 21. His team won 10 Superbowls in a row with flawless victories. The Philadelphia Eagles could not be scored on during that decade and in fact other teams would often forfeit when scheduled to play against Falcon's team. Once Douglas had 2 fists full of Super Bowl rings, he turned his attention to JUSTICE and ended his perfect football career. He would forever be known as the best football player ever to exist. The Philadelphia Eagles, in honor of Douglas, changed their team name to the Philadelphia Falcons.
Douglas Falcon always had a yearning for JUSTICE. He enlisted in the Police force at the ripe age of 21 to clean up the crime and scum on the streets. His record was flawless and he quickly rose to the rank of Captain. Captain Falcon cleaned up the streets that were part of his jurisdiction. But it wasn't enough, Captain Falcon wanted more. He wanted to clean up the world and then the universe of scum. He requested transfers frequently to clean up the streets in different jurisdictions, but ultimately found this limiting as he could not freely operate amongst them all at one time. Often criminals would get off the hook due to corrupt litigation and bureaucratic BULLSHIT. It also became extremely apparent to him, that the police force was mostly populated with corrupt pig cops who did not care about justice, and only cared about writing traffic citations and letting SCUM escape the law.
Building the Blue FalconEditOn the year 2348 CF (Captain Falcon) resigned from the police force to take the law into his own hands. CF had aspirations to become an intergalactic bounty hunter who brought criminals to justice. However being a bounty hunter would require a vehicle capable of interstellar travel, to cross the stars hunting villainous scum. Captain Falcon took it upon himself to build the ultimate racing craft, The Blue Falcon. With his EXTREME ingenuity he designed the blue prints for the craft with the BEST parts the universe had to offer. CF spared no expense to build this craft and went to pain staking ordeals just to acquire parts. Legend has it that he swam across the ocean blue to Japan to pick up his custom ordered JDM engine. He then strapped the engine on his back and swam it back across to America to begin construction of his vehicle.
Many were jealous of his ingenuity, specifically the McCloud family who were in the space craft construction industry. Falcon had created a car sized engine that could outclass the mothership sized engine in the McCloud's flag ship. The McClouds were largely ridiculed and shunned after this for being exposed for using sub-par parts and became the joke of the industry. This ultimately caused James McCloud to embark on a suicide mission to attack an intergalactic monkey known as Andross. James died a coward and abandoned his only son, Fox McCloud. This would ultimately effect Fox's development growing up, as he grew up without a father figure. Fox ended up becoming a raging self-entitled prick due to lack of a male role model and forever garnered hatred for Captain Falcon. Although secretly, Fox lusted for Douglas' perfect body.
F-Zero Racing CircuitEdit
Once the Blue Falcon was completed, CF wanted to put the vehicle to the test. Falcon entered into the F-Zero circuit for high stakes prize money. As usual, Falcon SMOKED the competition, completing the race in record time. Falcon had a large heart and donated 90% of the winnings to charities for children. The remaining 10% was kept to maintain the expenses of his vehicle and gas prices. Falcon regularly enters into F-Zero races for the following 3 reasons:
- To maintain upkeep on his vehicle.
- To continue donations to various charities for children
- For the SEXUAL THRILL
Role Model to Children / Sex Machine to the LadiesEdit
On weekends it is said that he will wear hot pink and white spandex, and drive around impoverished neighborhoods distributing Good-Humor ice-cream products to malnourished children. This is where he gained the nick name "The Good Humor Man". When interviewed about his choice in colors, Falcon clearly stated "I am so secure in my masculinity, that I redefine the color pink." This statement was backed up by his strenuous sexual escapades. Falcon often had flocks of women frequenting his bed room. In fact he installed a hidden compartment in the Blue Falcon, so that up to 3 women could stow aboard and pleasure him while he raced. This was of course to enhance the SEXUAL THRILL of the race and he kept the ladies in hidden compartments so that children would never catch a glimpse of their role model having sexual escapades. This was also a secret handicap that Falcon imposed upon himself. With the added weight of 3 broads in his vehicle, this provided a slight advantage to his rivals on the racing circuit.
At this point Captain Falcon had the resources and time to hunt down villainous scum. He traveled the stars in The Blue Falcon bringing the most vile criminals to justice. Whenever he was presented with cash rewards, he humbly turned down the offer and had it donated to charities for children. In comparison, Fox McCloud also started a career around this time trying to hunt down the monkey that killed his father. Fox however did his hunting ONLY for the rewards and the selfishness of avenging his dead beat father. During Fox's quest for vengeance he nearly committed genocide on all apes in the Lylat system. Fox even had the audacity to send a hefty bill to General Pepper of the Lylat system for the "criminals" he brought down. Clearly Falcon was the better man. It was around this time that Falcon crossed paths with Samus Aran, another renowned bounty hunter. They were hunting the same bounty and decided to work together. One night, when they were huddled around their camp fire, Samus was extremely aroused by Falcon's cunning prowess. Samus seduced Falcon and they boned on the planet Zebes. Falcon nailed her so good, that she decided to quit Bounty hunting and become a flag girl for the F-Zero circuit to be closer to him, until Metroid: Other M happened.
Captain Falcon loves adding the word "Falcon" before any of his attacks for no reason other than the fact that he's Captain Falcon.
He loves the phrase "Yes" for no explained reason, but everyone agrees that he makes the word unbelievably orgasmic.
He also likes the phrase "Show me your moves!", since he thinks no moves match up to his own. There has been a fan altering of the phrase, which is "Show me your boobs!", due to the word moves rhyming with boobs. This phrase is usually said at the Smash ladies, specifically Zero Suit Samus.
Due to Captain Falcon saying the word "Falcon" before his moves, people had decided it would be fun to put the word "Falcon" before rhyming words and random words, such as "Falcon Lunch". Images of people punching others have been classified as a Falcon Punch, despite the lack of a flaming falcon formed by the punch.
People also make fun of his mangled Engrish pronunciations, provided by the Japanese Ryo Horikawa (Vegeta) in every language version of the game, most notably "FALCONE... PAWNCH!!!!!", "YESZ!", AND "COME AWN! BLUE FALCONE!!!". However, he is actually the only being in existence to speak English properly. Everyone else butchers the language.
He is also rightfully hailed as the manliest being in the universe, similar to the treatment that his bearded cleaning lady Chuck Norris got years ago.
Because Captain Falcon is the manliest and sexiest prime specimen of manhood in the universe, every woman who gazes at his rippling muscles is smitten (along with most men, animals, rocks and plants). Because of this, he has a grand total of 1,960,537 girlfriends, which most likely include your favorite Nintendo waifu, whose standards you now know that you're well below.
Here is a very small selection of his sexy ladies:
- Jody Summer (some bitch from his home series)
- Samus (who he eventually married because she is a fellow tough space bounty hunter; see above)
- Lady Palutena (until he found out that she is his birth mother)
- Robin (female)
- Lucina (whose chest is so flat that Falcon's is sexier, not that it wasn't anyway)
- Not Peach due to her complete lack of intelligence
- Marth (for about 5 seconds until Falcon realized he was a man)
- Daisy, mostly to piss off and scare Michaeloll
- Masahiro Sakurai
- Corrin (female)
- ViewtifulGene and Svedeesh_Cheff literally worship him.
- Vyers believes that his name is canonically Squidward Tortellini.
- Captain Falcon once questioned the authenticity of his (then unknown to him) mother's hair, which eventually escalated into a massive explosive battle again.
- It is theorized that Captain Falcon's awesome power comes from the champion's belt that he won in F-Zero GX, which gives its wearer ultimate power over the universe. However, since he is an honorable man, Captain Falcon simply stores it to keep it from falling into the hands of evil.
- Ganondorf is his father.
- This means that Toon Link is his half brother.
- CAPTAIN FALCONE, HE'S OUR HERO, WRECKING SCRUBS STOCKS DOWN TO ZERO
- HOLY SHIT DID YOU SEE THAT KNEE
- IT WAS SO HYPE YO